Gay Men’s Culture, Missing Generations, and the Hunt for Love

August 7, 2008 by James Lovette-Black
Filed under: activism, gay culture, health and wellness, men's health, spirituality

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I infrequently find myself on Out.com, but found a dynamite article there, Has Manhunt Destroyed Gay Culture? Thanks to my friend, Mikey, for bringing it to my attention.

Gross, the author, has done an exceptional job of covering gay male culture’s move from meeting each other in our bars to meeting each other online, at personals sites and elsewhere. He makes some very strong points and declares that gay men were actually building a viable culture when AIDS appeared, but that we have now become more isolated from each other as a result of our technologically-enmeshed lives. I think Gross is spot-on with his observations, with a caveat at the end of this entry.

A longtime, close friend and member of my family of creation moved away from San Francisco for five years and returned about three years ago. He has observed that everything about meeting men had changed in that period, including the insinuation of mobile phones and emailing into everyone’s life, the routine use of text messaging instead of voice calls, not easily finding men in his desired age group, the difficulty of finding social groups for fraternizing, and the challenge in finding men with whom he can simply have a cup of coffee or a drink or a date.

I am 54 and have been out for 30 years this year. Coming out as a gay man and as a sexual person occurred simultaneously, as I was brought up in the strict Calvinist Deep South culture in Alabama that not only repressed sex, but viewed homosexuality as a shameful thing. It has always seemed to me that my own generation of gay men is missing, which is actually true, as we were among the first to be cut down by the AIDS epidemic. This means that there are fewer available men of my own age for relationships, socializing, or for mentoring other men. There are major differences between my generation and 20- and 30-somethings, largely because of AIDS and because of the motivation prevalent among younger gay men for assimilating into the larger society. In this way, the assimilation vs liberation positions that activists took beginning in the 60s and 70s and continuing with AIDS activism in the 80s, has been resolved in favor of the assimilationist position. Same-sex marriage has made major inroads into the mentality of mainstream America and the West and the newly married want to associate with other couples, a reasonable desire. Given the enormous resources being poured into gay marriage and the recent victories in California, Massachusetts, and elsewhere, it may soon be that the new perverts in our society will be those of us who are single gay men. We may be viewed as “less-than” because the newly same-sex married have chosen to align themselves with the institution of marriage in the larger society, which is de facto assimilation. Having said that, if you want to be married, I support your right to do so. I ask in return for society to recognize and support single people and our contributions, sexual orientation or identity notwithstanding. Futhermore, I ask that my gay brothers and lesbian sisters also remember that one of our gifts to the larger culture is a broad variety of consensual, loving relationships that do not neatly fall into a one-to-one marriage. Society would do well to validate all consensual adult relationships in whatever form they are constituted and gay people would do well to remember that we are still the engine and the heart of the creative class, especially when it comes to creating relationships of meaning, love, and practicality.

When I exited the closet - and then burned it down - in 1978, I came to recognize it for the small-minded identity foreclosure that it represented. I was embraced by men of various age groups that lovingly mentored me into the ways of sex with other men, into the ways of meeting men, and into the ferocious beauty, diversity, and creativity of gay male culture. As well, women of all kinds were friends, teachers, and mentors into the broader world of feminism, humanism, and liberation in my personal journey and I value and respect their special gifts. I hold this time of my life with a sense of joyful love and profound respect, as I was taught by my sisters and brothers about my own self-worth, self-beauty, and the need to love myself - and to be loving toward others who are different.

Now, the majority of my friends are in their 20s, 30s, and 40s, since 50-somethings are far and few to be found. Younger guys have many friendships in which affection is freely expressed, sexually couple at will, and are online for work and play; so am I and there is an obvious irony that I am blogging about Gross’s article. Maybe it is safer and easier to be online where we seemingly have more control, than it is to confront climate change, a hostile society, massive social inequity, a failed American government of three decades, a crappy economy, an uncertain job market, a global village filled with people who loathe what the USA has become, etc. ad infinitum nauseum?

Having said that, my younger friends just do not place as much emphasis on age, and I think that is because it is the friendship and the relationship that is critical and valued, not the laugh lines or the number of years on one’s driver’s license. On moving to San Francisco, I discovered BBSs (bulletin board services), which were accessed by oh-sooo-slow modem and which led me to friendships and family of creation members that I hold close and dear today, many relationships now 20 years or more. The delight of meeting men with whom I had communicated by text and sometimes by phone was genuine and the social networks fostered by the gay BBSs mirrored those that emerged from bar and other underground venues. I think these social connections are occurring today from the Internet and that our social ethics have again failed to evolve quickly enough to support and frame our use of these technologies.

Gross has a valid observation, that gay male culture is lacking today because our communities are isolated because of insinuated and misapplied information and communications technologies and that we are preoccupied with the joy of sex, to the loss of building and nourishing loving relationships of all kinds. I think he missed how globally stressed is our community due to pervasive and longstanding effects of AIDS and post-AIDS bigotry, however. As well, he missed that men are sexually predisposed to be horny buggers and that the sheer quantity and variety of online connections to be made can and do birth relationships with depth and meaning.

I hope that the liberationists, the [sensible] assimilationists, and others that count themselves as part of our communities will come together and reassume the mantle of authentic gay pride. I know that it is important to have friends of all kinds and that I value seeing, touching, and talking with other gay men; this I cannot do when I am online.